Why Me?
“Why me?” I asked repeatedly, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders as I was transported from Chase Farm Hospital to Barnet General Hospital. The words of Psalm 119:114, “You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word,” echoed in my mind, offering a glimmer of solace amid the turmoil. My wife trailed behind the ambulance, navigating through stormy weather, sharing my uncertainty and fear.
On September 16, 2005, I was admitted to the Haematology Ward at Barnet General Hospital. The doctors diagnosed me with leukemia, giving me a mere thirty percent chance of survival. The medical team, led by Dr. Andrey Virchies, detailed my treatment plan: four cycles of chemotherapy, potential participation in drug trials, and a litany of side effects that painted a bleak picture. Nausea, hair loss, fatigue, and the possibility of infertility loomed over me, compounding my anxiety and fear.
The enormity of my situation hit me hard. The initial briefing left me panicked and questioning my fate. The thought of enduring such aggressive treatment seemed almost unbearable. As I grappled with this new reality, anger and frustration consumed me. For a week, I struggled with the “why me” questions, feeling abandoned and hopeless.
One night, in the midst of my despair, a voice spoke to me, “Why not you? Don’t you think this is happening to you so that God can glorify Himself?” This revelation shifted my perspective. It was a profound moment of spiritual awakening. Psalm 118:5 came alive for me: “I called on the Lord in distress; The Lord answered me and set me in a broad place.” This newfound faith gave me strength and hope.
My wife experienced a similar spiritual encounter. As she read Isaiah 30:15, “In quietness and confidence shall be your strength,” she found solace and renewed faith in God’s plan for us. We realized that our confidence needed to be rooted in God’s ability to heal.
In the following days, I immersed myself in the Bible, drawing strength from God’s promises. Despite the terrifying side effects of chemotherapy, my faith provided a buffer against despair. My hair fell out, I faced immense physical pain, and I felt like a shadow of my former self. Yet, I clung to God’s word, particularly Isaiah 53:5: “By his stripes I am healed.”
The journey was arduous. I underwent a minor operation to install a Hickman line for chemotherapy administration. The treatment began, and I had no choice but to trust the medical professionals and God’s plan. The first few weeks were grueling, and I looked in the mirror, barely recognizing myself. But through it all, my faith remained steadfast.
Cancer is a formidable adversary, but it brought me closer to God. As I battled the disease, I realized that fear often kills faster than the disease itself. The support from my pastor and the power of prayer became my anchors. I read Psalm 119 repeatedly, finding comfort in God’s words.
Eight weeks into my treatment, after the first cycle of chemotherapy, I was weak but hopeful. The journey to recovery was slow, but every small step forward was a testament to God’s grace. I wrote a testimony for my church magazine, sharing my story of pain, hopelessness, and eventual healing. It was important to me that others knew that “it is not over until God says it’s over.”
My journey with leukemia taught me that faith, positive thinking, and the power of God’s word can turn hopelessness into hope. My story is a testament to resilience and divine intervention, offering encouragement to others facing similar battles.
For those who want to read more about my journey and the miracles that unfolded, my book is available for purchase on Amazon. Your support can help spread hope and awareness about the fight against leukemia.